Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
