this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
