I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
