I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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