Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
