very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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