Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need to wash the frat house off of me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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