just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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