Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize