Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
