PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
