I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize