The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
