just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
