If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
