There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
