I got chris browned last night
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
