Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
