i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
