i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
no you cant smoke seaweed
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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