I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
