I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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