Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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