She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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