I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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