After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
