Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
