FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
