I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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