i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
