i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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