mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize