What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
