Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
3pm strippers are depressing
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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