Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
