If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
