woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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