i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
