can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Randomize
