this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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