I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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