just tell him i said nine months
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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