well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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