I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just want nice things and good sex
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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