I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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