I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
