okay pat passed out under dana's car
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
