You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His hands were made for my vagina.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
