Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
