I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
