Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
