I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
