I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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