Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
