Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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