she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
