the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
