Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
