this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
