This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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